


And find our healing

by livecement



Series: Song-Inspired Works [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 05:25:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7030804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livecement/pseuds/livecement
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akaashi has a panic attack and Bokuto helps him through it. </p>
<p>Inspired by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwd71PY8elo">Kiss the Grass</a>  by The Paper Kites</p>
            </blockquote>





	And find our healing

**Author's Note:**

> I just wrote this quick because I needed to deal with some things, and fictional characters are usually the best resource for me. Sharing because there's always a chance it could help others too. 
> 
> I describe a panic attack in detail, so please be wary of that.

               

 

_And our bones are growing stronger_  
_Every day we breathe it in_  
_We make time to see_  
_And find our healing_

\- Kiss the Grass by The Paper Kites

 

 

They're lying on the bed naked, and Akaashi can feel the heat coming off of Bokuto's body above him. He feels the other's lips on his, kissing him firmly and excitedly. He returns the kisses just as eagerly, and grips Bokuto's back, pulling his body down closer to his own. Their hard lengths brush together and Akaashi moans softly into the kiss. He relishes in the feeling of Bokuto's weight on top of him. It's been such a stressful day, and this is exactly what he needs to unwind.

Bokuto starts to kiss at his neck, sucking and nibbling gently. Akaashi feels Bokuto's hand trail down his stomach and then grip his erection. He gasps and arches his body into the contact. Bokuto starts stroking him slowly, and it feels good, so good. That is until Akaashi starts to feel a familiar knot start to form in his stomach. Not the kind he's supposed to be feeling right now, but the kind that makes him feel sick and makes his chest tighten; the kind that makes him feel like what he's doing is wrong, like the hands that are on him shouldn't be there. In the pit of his stomach he starts to feel like he's not supposed to be feeling good.

_No, not again,_ he thinks. He knows he should tell Bokuto to stop before he starts to feel worse, but instead he tries to ignore it and push the growing panic away. He doesn't want to have to stop like so many times before. If he can just ignore the bad feelings, he can make it through this. It doesn't get any better, though, and then his breathing starts to get ragged, and not because of the hand that's still working him. His chest is constricting, and suddenly having Bokuto on top of him, touching him, feels awful and overwhelming.

His whole body stiffens, eyes go wide, and he takes his hands off of Bokuto's back and closes them into fists, digging his nails into his palms.

"St-st," he stutters, trying to tell Bokuto to stop, but he can't form the words.

He doesn't need to though, because in a second Bokuto realises what's happening.

"Shit, shit," Akaashi hears him whisper, and the weight and hands are gone in an instant.

His head feels fuzzy and he can no longer focus on what's around him. All he's really aware of his how wrong his body feels, naked and exposed. He's clenching all of his muscles so tight and writhing uncomfortably on the bed. His chest hurts, and it feels like someone's placed a vice-grip on his ribs. He can't control his breathing at all, and the panic just keeps building.

A sheet is placed over his naked body, and it alleviates some of the discomfort..

"Shh, Akaash," he hears Bokuto say, "You're okay, shhh, you're safe."

He knows that. He knows he's supposed to feel safe, but his body isn't listening. He reaches down and grips at the sheets on either side of him, and scrunches his eyes closed.

"Hey, hey, open your eyes Keiji, baby," Bokuto's tone his soothing but firm, "Don't go into your head, okay? Stay here with me. Open your eyes."

Akaashi doesn't think he can, and he tries to tell Bokuto that, but his tongue is heavy and his lips are shut tight, so all that comes out is a sort of whimper as he shakes his head frantically.

"Shhh, okay. Keiji, it's okay," Bokuto's reassures him, "Then what I want you to do is go to your safe space, okay? Don't go anywhere else, just go there."   

Akaashi keeps his eyes shut and listens to Bokuto as he tries to ground him.

"You're sitting in a grass field. Feel the grass on your legs and under your hands. Feel the sun on your skin, and the light breeze through your hair."

Akaashi follows Bokuto's voice and tries to visualise it—does his best through the fear. He sees the field that he built in his mind long ago start to form behind his eyelids. He imagines the grass caressing his skin, and the warmth of the sun. Akaashi starts to calm down as Bokuto continues to talk.

"The sun starts to set. Look at the bright orange sky. Mango orange is what you told me, remember? Watch the orange fade into blue," Akaashi does see it, and his breathing starts to regulate, "That's it, Keiji."

Akaashi pictures the light passing through the trees in the distance, and he feels his muscles start to relax.

"Slow down, Keiji," Bokuto speaks softly, "Let it all slow."

He does, and finally his breathing is more normal and his head doesn't feel fuzzy. He feels the tension release in his body, and he unclenches his hands from the sheets.

It's quiet for a few moments, and then Akaashi feels tears start to spill from his eyes. He brings his hands up to cover his face, feeling very vulnerable.

"Hey, hey, Keiiijii don't cry, "Bokuto says gentle but insistent, "Can I touch you now?"

Akaashi nods his head but keeps his eyes covered. He feels a hand stroke through his hair, and then Bokuto is sitting him up.

"Let's get some clothes on you, okay? You'll feel a little better." He feels Bokuto lift off of the bed for a second, and then he's back. He takes hold of Akaashi's wrists gently and pulls his hands away from his face. Akaashi looks down to avoid his eyes while Bokuto helps him put on a t-shirt and then his boxers.

He feels much less vulnerable with clothes on, and the tears have lessened, but he still feels heavy and tired.

Bokuto pulls him into his arms, and Akaashi rests his face against his chest. They stay like that while Bokuto runs his fingers through Akaashi's hair.

"I hate this," Akaashi says quietly.

He feels Bokuto take in a deep breath before saying, "I know."

"I'm sorry," he whispers into Bokuto's chest.

Bokuto's hand stills in his hair. "Keiji, I've told you I don't wanna hear you apologise for this. It's not your fault."

"I know but—"

"No apologies," Bokuto affirms.

Akaashi doesn't argue further, even though he wants to.

"How did it get that far anyway?" Bokuto asks softly, "Usually you stop me before it gets that bad. Did it just spring on you faster than normal?"

Akaashi wants to lie and tell him yes, but he can never lie to Bokuto. He takes in a shaky breath before he says, "I tried to ignore it. I was hoping I could just push through it."

Bokuto tenses underneath him, and suddenly his face is being pulled away from Bokuto's chest. Bokuto keeps a hand on Akaashi's cheek and looks down at him with an alarmed expression on his face.

"Keiji," he says, sounding hurt, "Please, don't do that again. I only ever wanna make you feel good."

"But it's not fair. It's not your fault that I'm like this," he says angrily, "You shouldn't have to deal with it."

"And neither should you," he says firmly.

Akaashi doesn't know what to say to that, so he just returns Bokuto's intense gaze.

"I hate seeing you go through this, Keiji," Bokuto says as he rubs his thumb against Akaashi's cheek tenderly, "And you gotta believe me when I tell you that I never feel mad or annoyed when we have to stop."

Akaashi nods his head and casts his eyes down.

"I just wish I could go back in time and beat the living shit out of the person who did this to you," Bokuto adds.

Akaashi snorts at that.

"I'm serious."

"I know you are," Akaashi says. He looks up at Bokuto's face and gives him a small smile, "Thank you, Koutarou."

Bokuto doesn't say anything but leans his head down and kisses Akaashi softly. Then he moves to kiss his cheeks, his nose, and then peppers kisses all over his face. Akaashi laughs softly and pushes his face away.

Bokuto smiles at him radiantly, and it makes Akaashi feel loved.  

"How about we put on one of your comfort movies and chill out for a bit?"Bokuto asks.

Akaashi nods his head. Despite how well Bokuto's brought him back to himself, he still feels drained from the attack.

They throw on a movie and curl up together on the bed. Bokuto wraps his arms around Akaashi protectively, and Akaashi tucks his head under Bokuto's chin. As the familiar sounds of the movie fill the bedroom, Akaashi can't help but think of how grateful he is for Bokuto. He knows he's always going to have to deal with this, but knowing that Bokuto will always be there to help him through, and will love him anyway, makes it feel a little less hopeless.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has any experience with this, please know that it is not your fault and you do NOT have to feel guilty about needing to stop. It took a long time for me to stop beating myself up over something I had no control over.
> 
> I had Bokuto trying to get Akaashi to open his eyes because it's usually good to try and focus on the details of the space you're in to help ground you and bring you back to reality, but that's something that's never really worked for me. So, as a second resort, I had him take Akaashi to his "safe space" which is a visualisation technique that I would really recommend to anyone who deals with anxiety or anything like it. Akaashi's safe space is inspired by the song I mentioned at the beginning. Bokuto has an idea of what it looks like because Akaashi has told him just in case something like this happens. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
